17 January 2005

... To This Point

This is the tale of a tortured soul… a tale of a boy who was gripped with the news that reality wasn’t as nice as the movies portrayed.

He had always had a sense that his life would never be anywhere close to normal. The boy had been there in good times, in bad times, and the ugly… The poor boy had even survived a hurricane, and that, is by any means, no small feat. He stood in his front doorway as the hurricane engulfed his tropical neighbourhood. But that wasn’t the half of it…

His parents were married in 1984, and they were both 17 at the time. They came to America; in a quaint little sinkhole, known as Brockton, MA, they decided that they wanted to settle. They went back to their native land, their Caribbean paradise, to inform the rest of their families that they were to join the millions living in the continental US. They stayed for two years, and then had their firstborne: Him. The following year, they had his brother. One year later, they packed up their entire life, and moved to Brockton.

Growing up in this household, full of rules, regulations, and the like, was no walk in the park. Unlike many other families, these parents had a different view on how their children’s lives should be. They weren’t given the option of going to hang out with their friends when they wanted to, they couldn’t be outside past a certain point in the evening, and various other trivial things.

The transitional period that was ‘junior high’ was a small, but necessary, turning point in his life. He began to discover his true self, but kept it hidden from the rest of the world. He knew that his life to this point wasn’t normal and that it made very little sense. Junior high brought to him a tiny glimpse of what his life may mean someday.

Through many interchanges with friends, and friends of friends, he saw what it was that would make his life complete, and cause it to make more sense. He began to notice beauty and looks more so than before; he took special care to notice the boys more than the girls. This had all been swimming about in his head throughout his life, but not until this point did it come together, coherently. He was Gay, and he now knew.

He was friends with everyone, boys and girls, equally, to never elude to the fact, and make himself known. He never reached popular status there, but he was known by those who really mattered. He wasn’t yet secure enough in himself to be able to tell his friends. He’d tell them when the right time came. He knew that if he came out to anyone now, his life would be over. But, it was hard for him to keep it all bottled up, only because his friends had friends whom he couldn’t resist.

Phys Ed in junior high was an obstacle, and a blessing in the same right. Here, he had another emotionally trying situation, a risky predicament: how to look at the boys, longingly, without them noticing. And, how was he to hide his feelings? In any case, Gym was the first place where he took heed to the calling and the beauty of the inter-pubescent male body. The curves, the cuts, the lines, and by this time, most boys had started working-out. He was mesmerized; watching them all undress, walking around in their unmentionables, which were now more mentioned than anything, was one of the greatest joys of that period.

He knew his time would come, but not just yet.

For two years, he laid waiting for the perfect time, but it hadn’t come to pass. He visualized many pleasing images of himself and the boys he found loitering in the halls, but there was one that had haunted his dreams for the rest of his 8th grade year. This boy was remarkable: handsome, smart, funny, and above all, gorgeous. He’d had the same recurring dream for roughly two months…

He was riding his bike down a street in the area they all referred to as ‘Over the Bridge.’ He stopped in front of the boy’s house. He found his way to the back, and spotted the window. There was a ladder next to the house, which was strategically placed for his benefit. He placed it alongside the house and proceeded to climb up. He opened the window, carefully, so as not to wake the others in the house. He stepped through, to find a bed at the foot of the window. This bed was occupied, with the boy. The boy appeared to be asleep, a clever ruse on his part. It was as though the boy was expecting him. He crept slowly toward the bed’s head, to find the boy lying down, face out to the side, and the boy gave him a wink. The boy said to him, “Climb inside my bed and lay here with me. It’s must be nice to sleep next to someone…” So, he slid into the bed, alongside the boy, and their bodies fit together in perfect alignment. They rested, but the boy didn’t think that was enough; the boy took his hands and placed them around his waist, under the covers. The boy then placed his own hands around him, and with that, they shared the most passionate kiss either of them had ever experienced. The moment was perfect, but it was to become much better. The two were already shirtless, and all that remained was the hindrance known as pants. Silently, the two disrobed and laid under the sheets, in form-fitting nudity. They caressed and cuddled the evening away, until the boy’s mother was heard walking the hall. They stopped, and she walked in. She saw her son, sleeping on his side, with him hiding behind. She walked away, and closed the door behind her. The boy turned onto his other side, behind him, and kissed him, giggling. Thinking it was a narrow escape, they began to consummate the dream-relationship. It was the most thrilling entanglement the two had ever come to know. After which, he kissed the boy goodnight, and slept by the boy’s side, still in one another’s arms.

And that’s where he woke up.

After that long, hard two months, he knew for certain the direction that his life was heading in. He knew that being loved by men, and loving men, is what he wanted. The time was just near…

It was his freshman year in high school, and he began to feel more comfortable in who he was as a person. He started dressing the part, so to speak. He was associating with more and more people who would understand him, and love him for who he was. In this large circle of friends, there were those that he had created a special, lasting, and unbreakable bond. These friends met in one class, that they would all have together, all four years. ‘The Wednesday Crew,’ as they came to be known, was inseparable. This group of friends was the outlet he had needed to feel like he belonged and had his rightful place in society. They were the family he never had… These kids had accepted him for who he was, without remorse or regrets.

By this point in his life, his parents were beginning to catch onto the nature of their son’s personality, and began limiting his interactions with the world. Aside from their own marital problems, which his father blamed solely on the kids, they were bringing down the house, in the most emotional sense. They didn’t let him go out with his friends, they didn’t let him go out in general, unless it was with them, or someone they knew.

Years went on, and the bonds of their friendship only got stronger. They would all confess to each other every little problem that occurred in their households, from the most trivial to the most dramatic and heart-breaking. They instilled a total confidence in one another, and that would never change.

In their houses, however, things got worse before they got any better. And this caused the friends to confide more in each other than ever before. The oncoming fear that is college was nearing them.

In their senior year, the Wednesday Crew became so close, that they spent every waking moment together, regardless of time and space. They were all involved in the same after-school activities, that they were always in each other’s company. They were called the ‘Wednesday Crew’ for that reason: all of their activities took place on Wednesday, and between them, they spent the downtime hanging out, usually at South Shore Plaza, but not limited to just there. For his 18th birthday, the Wednesday Crew went out piercing, and what a momentous occasion that was.

On the group trip to Virginia Beach, the Wednesday Crew had sleepovers in their hotel rooms. He got to sleep with each one of the boys in his room, and luckily enough, they were all members of the Wednesday Crew. These escapades were enough for him to mentally “get away” from the drama that was his family life.

One of the most heart-wrenching moments of his life was to come, hard and fast: Graduation, 06 June 2004 – the end of an era. It was the day the Wednesday Crew, and the entire senior class, wasn’t prepared for… the end of high school. The saddest day for them all, and it only lasted for so long. It brought joy to the parents of the members of the Wednesday Crew, to see their little ones graduate, and move on to bigger and better things, but with it came more responsibility and more drama.

College.


It was something he thought he was ready for, but little did he know, he wasn’t. He thought because he was so smart, talented, and gifted, that it would all be a breeze for him. He’d be able to survive his first semester fine. He couldn’t be more wrong. He missed classes, forgot assignments, and ran up the most elaborate overdraft and credit card bill anyone had seen of a college freshman. He didn’t even register for his second semester classes until his last day at school, the last day before the intersession. But, that’s jumping ahead.

His first day of college dorm life, it was nothing short of amazing. It was a Sunday, and he was so glad to see that his entire family had left. He had never felt so free. Aside from the fact that he had to go back home every weekend, because of work, he was quite happy where he was. Over the summer, before he went off, he had discovered a website that would later end up helping him to better spend his free time at school. It was called ManHUNT.net, and on this site there were guys who were looking to hook-up with other guys, and he thought he’d just take a look around. Who knew that when he got to school, he’d use that site more than he’d ever imagined. It had been a long while since he last had sex with anyone, a good six years, and all that was about to change. With the aid of this site, he had sex with a total of 16 different men, and actually dated one of them, his first real boyfriend. He has made a large number of Bi and Gay male friends, more than he had in high school. He felt great that all these men were paying him so much attention, considering in high school, not one boy found him the least bit attractive.

While he was at school, he could do whatever his little heart desired. If he wanted to go to a club, all he had to do was go. If he wanted to take the train into Boston to meet up with other guys, all he had to do was hop on the train. No permission had to be asked, a little thing we all like to call ‘free will.’

As for his academic life, it wasn’t so thriving… He missed many classes, mostly all of the ones he had scheduled for Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. He missed his math class, a lot. He somehow made it to his German class, pretty much every time. He only missed about three of those, for semi-legitimate reasons.

College was a stressful time for a lot of his friends and himself. It was also a stressful time for his family… The bills that one can incur while away at school are staggering. Cell phones, tuition, books, computers, credit cards, and the like.

Well, this onus left his family in emotional ruins. Although he didn’t ask for it, his mother had taken it upon herself to want to pay all his bills, much to the malediction of his father. She had offered to pay for his computer. He knew about that. She then started paying for his cell phone, which he didn’t ask her to do. She also took over his tuition, but he knew about that one, too. Books he had to buy himself, with his credit card, and money that his younger brother had owed him. His overdraft was another serious issue. He went crazy buying things he’s not sure he needed, but he wanted them anyway. Most of the time, it was just stuff bought online, but other times it was used to take out cash to take the train and to do laundry.

Upon his mother finding out, she went nuts. She gave him the tongue-lashing of his life, telling him that he ruined his own credit, and that he’s completely irresponsible with money. These were things that he wasn’t totally oblivious to, but they were blown far out of proportion.

Since he went away to school, his parents have been fighting constantly, not only about him, but about everything that happens, or doesn’t happen, in the household. They can’t go two hours without arguing about something outrageously stupid. It’s morally reprehensible and unacceptable behaviour, the things these two get into…

The stress from their arguing perpetually has torn his family apart. The person this whole thing has the most adverse effect on is him. When he comes home for the weekends, it’s as though he doesn’t even exist, and when he came home for the Intersession, his parents did nothing but bicker, quarrel, and all but kill each other. He hopes that the results of second semester fare much better than their present state.

This has been the tale of a boy whose life was filled with confusion, trepidation, disillusionment, and general discontent. Let him know what you think about this take on his life… Because I think I told MY story to the best of my ability. If there’s something you didn’t get, or need clarification, don’t hesitate to let me know.

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