17 January 2005

... To This Point

This is the tale of a tortured soul… a tale of a boy who was gripped with the news that reality wasn’t as nice as the movies portrayed.

He had always had a sense that his life would never be anywhere close to normal. The boy had been there in good times, in bad times, and the ugly… The poor boy had even survived a hurricane, and that, is by any means, no small feat. He stood in his front doorway as the hurricane engulfed his tropical neighbourhood. But that wasn’t the half of it…

His parents were married in 1984, and they were both 17 at the time. They came to America; in a quaint little sinkhole, known as Brockton, MA, they decided that they wanted to settle. They went back to their native land, their Caribbean paradise, to inform the rest of their families that they were to join the millions living in the continental US. They stayed for two years, and then had their firstborne: Him. The following year, they had his brother. One year later, they packed up their entire life, and moved to Brockton.

Growing up in this household, full of rules, regulations, and the like, was no walk in the park. Unlike many other families, these parents had a different view on how their children’s lives should be. They weren’t given the option of going to hang out with their friends when they wanted to, they couldn’t be outside past a certain point in the evening, and various other trivial things.

The transitional period that was ‘junior high’ was a small, but necessary, turning point in his life. He began to discover his true self, but kept it hidden from the rest of the world. He knew that his life to this point wasn’t normal and that it made very little sense. Junior high brought to him a tiny glimpse of what his life may mean someday.

Through many interchanges with friends, and friends of friends, he saw what it was that would make his life complete, and cause it to make more sense. He began to notice beauty and looks more so than before; he took special care to notice the boys more than the girls. This had all been swimming about in his head throughout his life, but not until this point did it come together, coherently. He was Gay, and he now knew.

He was friends with everyone, boys and girls, equally, to never elude to the fact, and make himself known. He never reached popular status there, but he was known by those who really mattered. He wasn’t yet secure enough in himself to be able to tell his friends. He’d tell them when the right time came. He knew that if he came out to anyone now, his life would be over. But, it was hard for him to keep it all bottled up, only because his friends had friends whom he couldn’t resist.

Phys Ed in junior high was an obstacle, and a blessing in the same right. Here, he had another emotionally trying situation, a risky predicament: how to look at the boys, longingly, without them noticing. And, how was he to hide his feelings? In any case, Gym was the first place where he took heed to the calling and the beauty of the inter-pubescent male body. The curves, the cuts, the lines, and by this time, most boys had started working-out. He was mesmerized; watching them all undress, walking around in their unmentionables, which were now more mentioned than anything, was one of the greatest joys of that period.

He knew his time would come, but not just yet.

For two years, he laid waiting for the perfect time, but it hadn’t come to pass. He visualized many pleasing images of himself and the boys he found loitering in the halls, but there was one that had haunted his dreams for the rest of his 8th grade year. This boy was remarkable: handsome, smart, funny, and above all, gorgeous. He’d had the same recurring dream for roughly two months…

He was riding his bike down a street in the area they all referred to as ‘Over the Bridge.’ He stopped in front of the boy’s house. He found his way to the back, and spotted the window. There was a ladder next to the house, which was strategically placed for his benefit. He placed it alongside the house and proceeded to climb up. He opened the window, carefully, so as not to wake the others in the house. He stepped through, to find a bed at the foot of the window. This bed was occupied, with the boy. The boy appeared to be asleep, a clever ruse on his part. It was as though the boy was expecting him. He crept slowly toward the bed’s head, to find the boy lying down, face out to the side, and the boy gave him a wink. The boy said to him, “Climb inside my bed and lay here with me. It’s must be nice to sleep next to someone…” So, he slid into the bed, alongside the boy, and their bodies fit together in perfect alignment. They rested, but the boy didn’t think that was enough; the boy took his hands and placed them around his waist, under the covers. The boy then placed his own hands around him, and with that, they shared the most passionate kiss either of them had ever experienced. The moment was perfect, but it was to become much better. The two were already shirtless, and all that remained was the hindrance known as pants. Silently, the two disrobed and laid under the sheets, in form-fitting nudity. They caressed and cuddled the evening away, until the boy’s mother was heard walking the hall. They stopped, and she walked in. She saw her son, sleeping on his side, with him hiding behind. She walked away, and closed the door behind her. The boy turned onto his other side, behind him, and kissed him, giggling. Thinking it was a narrow escape, they began to consummate the dream-relationship. It was the most thrilling entanglement the two had ever come to know. After which, he kissed the boy goodnight, and slept by the boy’s side, still in one another’s arms.

And that’s where he woke up.

After that long, hard two months, he knew for certain the direction that his life was heading in. He knew that being loved by men, and loving men, is what he wanted. The time was just near…

It was his freshman year in high school, and he began to feel more comfortable in who he was as a person. He started dressing the part, so to speak. He was associating with more and more people who would understand him, and love him for who he was. In this large circle of friends, there were those that he had created a special, lasting, and unbreakable bond. These friends met in one class, that they would all have together, all four years. ‘The Wednesday Crew,’ as they came to be known, was inseparable. This group of friends was the outlet he had needed to feel like he belonged and had his rightful place in society. They were the family he never had… These kids had accepted him for who he was, without remorse or regrets.

By this point in his life, his parents were beginning to catch onto the nature of their son’s personality, and began limiting his interactions with the world. Aside from their own marital problems, which his father blamed solely on the kids, they were bringing down the house, in the most emotional sense. They didn’t let him go out with his friends, they didn’t let him go out in general, unless it was with them, or someone they knew.

Years went on, and the bonds of their friendship only got stronger. They would all confess to each other every little problem that occurred in their households, from the most trivial to the most dramatic and heart-breaking. They instilled a total confidence in one another, and that would never change.

In their houses, however, things got worse before they got any better. And this caused the friends to confide more in each other than ever before. The oncoming fear that is college was nearing them.

In their senior year, the Wednesday Crew became so close, that they spent every waking moment together, regardless of time and space. They were all involved in the same after-school activities, that they were always in each other’s company. They were called the ‘Wednesday Crew’ for that reason: all of their activities took place on Wednesday, and between them, they spent the downtime hanging out, usually at South Shore Plaza, but not limited to just there. For his 18th birthday, the Wednesday Crew went out piercing, and what a momentous occasion that was.

On the group trip to Virginia Beach, the Wednesday Crew had sleepovers in their hotel rooms. He got to sleep with each one of the boys in his room, and luckily enough, they were all members of the Wednesday Crew. These escapades were enough for him to mentally “get away” from the drama that was his family life.

One of the most heart-wrenching moments of his life was to come, hard and fast: Graduation, 06 June 2004 – the end of an era. It was the day the Wednesday Crew, and the entire senior class, wasn’t prepared for… the end of high school. The saddest day for them all, and it only lasted for so long. It brought joy to the parents of the members of the Wednesday Crew, to see their little ones graduate, and move on to bigger and better things, but with it came more responsibility and more drama.


It was something he thought he was ready for, but little did he know, he wasn’t. He thought because he was so smart, talented, and gifted, that it would all be a breeze for him. He’d be able to survive his first semester fine. He couldn’t be more wrong. He missed classes, forgot assignments, and ran up the most elaborate overdraft and credit card bill anyone had seen of a college freshman. He didn’t even register for his second semester classes until his last day at school, the last day before the intersession. But, that’s jumping ahead.

His first day of college dorm life, it was nothing short of amazing. It was a Sunday, and he was so glad to see that his entire family had left. He had never felt so free. Aside from the fact that he had to go back home every weekend, because of work, he was quite happy where he was. Over the summer, before he went off, he had discovered a website that would later end up helping him to better spend his free time at school. It was called ManHUNT.net, and on this site there were guys who were looking to hook-up with other guys, and he thought he’d just take a look around. Who knew that when he got to school, he’d use that site more than he’d ever imagined. It had been a long while since he last had sex with anyone, a good six years, and all that was about to change. With the aid of this site, he had sex with a total of 16 different men, and actually dated one of them, his first real boyfriend. He has made a large number of Bi and Gay male friends, more than he had in high school. He felt great that all these men were paying him so much attention, considering in high school, not one boy found him the least bit attractive.

While he was at school, he could do whatever his little heart desired. If he wanted to go to a club, all he had to do was go. If he wanted to take the train into Boston to meet up with other guys, all he had to do was hop on the train. No permission had to be asked, a little thing we all like to call ‘free will.’

As for his academic life, it wasn’t so thriving… He missed many classes, mostly all of the ones he had scheduled for Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. He missed his math class, a lot. He somehow made it to his German class, pretty much every time. He only missed about three of those, for semi-legitimate reasons.

College was a stressful time for a lot of his friends and himself. It was also a stressful time for his family… The bills that one can incur while away at school are staggering. Cell phones, tuition, books, computers, credit cards, and the like.

Well, this onus left his family in emotional ruins. Although he didn’t ask for it, his mother had taken it upon herself to want to pay all his bills, much to the malediction of his father. She had offered to pay for his computer. He knew about that. She then started paying for his cell phone, which he didn’t ask her to do. She also took over his tuition, but he knew about that one, too. Books he had to buy himself, with his credit card, and money that his younger brother had owed him. His overdraft was another serious issue. He went crazy buying things he’s not sure he needed, but he wanted them anyway. Most of the time, it was just stuff bought online, but other times it was used to take out cash to take the train and to do laundry.

Upon his mother finding out, she went nuts. She gave him the tongue-lashing of his life, telling him that he ruined his own credit, and that he’s completely irresponsible with money. These were things that he wasn’t totally oblivious to, but they were blown far out of proportion.

Since he went away to school, his parents have been fighting constantly, not only about him, but about everything that happens, or doesn’t happen, in the household. They can’t go two hours without arguing about something outrageously stupid. It’s morally reprehensible and unacceptable behaviour, the things these two get into…

The stress from their arguing perpetually has torn his family apart. The person this whole thing has the most adverse effect on is him. When he comes home for the weekends, it’s as though he doesn’t even exist, and when he came home for the Intersession, his parents did nothing but bicker, quarrel, and all but kill each other. He hopes that the results of second semester fare much better than their present state.

This has been the tale of a boy whose life was filled with confusion, trepidation, disillusionment, and general discontent. Let him know what you think about this take on his life… Because I think I told MY story to the best of my ability. If there’s something you didn’t get, or need clarification, don’t hesitate to let me know.

What Happened?

You and I
When we first laid eyes
There was something I found
That I

Didn’t think I’d find
For a very long time
That look we shared
It made you mine

We had a bond
It thought it could be Love
But it didn’t last
I suppose you’d had enough

Wasn’t I what you wanted?
Was I what you needed?
Did I do something wrong?
Or, was it a disaster all along?

I thought you loved me
Didn’t we belong at all?
My heart was yours,
Until you slammed it through the wall.

I sat and cried
‘Cause I hoped it wouldn’t end.
Here, I have a question for us both…
What happened?

There was a time
As we reclined
I felt secure
Inside my mind

I lay with you
Somehow, you knew
And the end
Wasn’t far behind

How could you?
You saw it coming, didn’t you?
Was it something I said?
When we lay in the bed?

I just want to know
For the good of self-salvation
I need to know where it went wrong
To end all my frustration

In the end
I guess I see
That you and me
Weren’t meant to be

I’ll never understand your reasons
Your logic or the rest
I wanted you to see that I have
Given you my best.

From Tight End to Wide Receiver

“What’s wrong with me? Why aren’t I the same as everyone else? What am I going to do,” said the ever-popular Drew Flint, QB of his high school football team. He lay in bed tonight, and wondered what it was that was troubling him. He thought and he thought, but nothing came to mind. Finally, he just gave up and went to bed. That night, he had a dream that may have helped to clarify the situation…

He was sitting in his pick-up truck, with his cheerleader girlfriend in the passenger’s seat. They parked on the cliff, overlooking the city. She leaned into his arms, stroking his leg. He went along, thinking nothing of it. She took it upon herself to kiss him, and he didn’t respond; he just allowed her to kiss him. While she was kissing him, Dream Drew was thinking about hanging out with the other guys on the team. He remembered all the fun the boys had in the locker room before and after the games. He sat in quiet recollection of all the good times they had at the victory dinners. He wondered why it was that he was thinking about this… and he woke up here, every time.

He sat up in bed, sweat pouring down his face. He was flustered and bewildered. He had no clue what was running through his mind. He didn’t want to think about it all at once, so he wiped his brow and went back to bed. Ironically enough, his dream started right from where he left off. Only, this time, it went much further.

After an ‘interesting’ night, he went to school the next day, pretending last night didn’t happen. He was walking through the halls, and every person he passed started laughing at him. Apparently, Dream Stacie had told all of her cheerleader friends that Dream Drew didn’t react to her kissing him, and they told the entire school. ‘Word travels at the speed of light at this school.’ That and the poor boy was wandering the halls nude. Therefore, not only were they laughing, but they were also pointing and laughing.

He awoke from this dream, bathed in his own sweat, and gave in. He found sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet, and took two.

The next morning, as he got ready for school, he stopped to take a moment to admire his Tom Brady poster, paying homage to his favorite player. Something strange happened to him at the time; there was a stirring in his pants, as he gazed upon his poster. He told himself that it was a delayed EMB and that it was fine. {An EMB is an Early Morning Boner.} He went downstairs and had breakfast before he stepped out.

He arrived at school, and everything was normal. He walked through the halls and everyone in the halls wanted to ‘hi-5’ him. Everything was exactly the way it was supposed to be. His buddies on the team even patted him on the behind as he walked by them, and that sparked a series of embarrassing events.

Drew was in the midst of his highly boring Civics class, and began nodding off. He dreamt of the other boys on the team, started moaning softly, and even breathed an ‘oh, Bobby.’ All this happened until someone seated next to him poked him in the rib. He woke up to find the entire class laughing at his expense. He stuck around for the remainder of the class, but sat blushing.

Lunch rolled around and Drew found himself at a table with all the other jocks. It wasn’t that bad. He just learned to keep himself composed. He didn’t have anything to worry about, however, because he didn’t know what was going on inside his thoughts. He had a regular lunch with the guys and girls, and then moved onto his next class.

After school, he took his truck and went home to do some homework before practice. His Civics assignment proved the most difficult. The assignment was a reading on the history of Gay Rights/Equality. He was to read an article and answer some questions. Reading about Gay men and women and the amount of his exhaustion caused another dream:

He was standing on a sidewalk in the downtown area of the city, in the middle of a Pride parade. He saw all the flags, the colors, and all the other boys kissing and such, and he got to wondering. Then he woke up.

He finished his homework and took a shower. Grabbing his gear out of his closet, he was on his way to football practice.

On the drive over, he started scanning through the radio stations. He found a station playing Dance and Techno music, and he found it very appealing. Having never heard it before, it won him over. He also thought that it did a hell of a job at pumping him up for practice.

At practice, he played like never before. He was more focused, determined, and full of energy. His coach and the other boys wondered what was up. Drew told them that he was playing better because he found a better type of music to psyche him up, Dance/Techno. The boys, not knowing what this was, stood in befuddlement. Drew walked over to his truck, pulled it in, and turned the radio to that station. They heard it, and found it to be different from the metal and rock they were used to. It was a welcome change.

After practice, it was time to shower up. In the showers, another happy mishap happened. While he was looking at his friends in their jocks, and others in the shower, he started to feel that stirring again. He couldn’t stay there long enough for his boys to see that, so he showered fast, and high-tailed it for the door. He explained to the coach and the team, as he was running through, that he had to go home early to help his mother.

Back in the truck, he sang along to a Dance song, which was actually a remix to a song he already knew. He drove home rather happily, but at the same time, a bit perplexed. He came home and had dinner with his parents. His sister was out with her friends, and his younger brother was napping in the living room.

He got upstairs and turned on the computer. He signed onto AIM, and had a few conversations with some friends. He also went onto his Music Download program, and started downloading a few Dance tracks. 09:00 came around and he took another shower. He came back to his room to try to find his nicest outfit. He paired together two of his nicest Abercrombie & Fitch polos, one in white and one in sky blue to wear over it, and a pair of Express jeans. He put on his Aldo shoes and headed out the door.

He drove to the next city over, which was about 10 minutes away. He put in the CD he had made of the new Dance songs he downloaded before he left. He arrived in the city and found it. He walked inside, not knowing what to expect.

He walked in to see boys dancing in cages, boys dancing on stages, and boys dancing with other boys. He walked into a Gay club, but wasn’t very sure of himself, yet. He sat down at the bar. The bartender said that he had never seen Drew there, and he said that he’d never been there before. The bartender then offered Drew a bottled-water, only because he noticed the wristband. {Under 21} Drew took it, very humbly. The bartender then told him that he thought he was very cute. Drew thanked him, and turned around in his seat to see the boys on the dance floor. Little did Drew know there was someone in the corner looking over at him.

Randy Adams was a very ‘out’ Gay kid at the same high school, also a senior, and he took notice of Drew’s cameo appearance at the club. He signaled to his friends that he would return. As he walked, he also noticed that Drew didn’t look very secure in his being there. Randy walked over to him and said, “Drew?! What are you doing here?!” He didn’t know how to react. The first thing he said to Randy was that he wasn’t to tell anyone that he had seen Drew there. Randy promised that he wouldn’t. After everything was clarified, the two began to talk.

Drew explained to Randy what his dilemma was, and Randy agreed to help see him through it. Upon Randy hearing Drew’s problem, he laughed.

“That’s no problem! You don’t have an issue and there’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve just came to the ‘startling’ realization that you’re Gay,” said Randy to Drew, while still kind of laughing.

“That’s not funny, Randy. So, you mean to tell me that all the weird dreams and funky experiences I’ve been through were trying to tell me that I’m Gay?”

“Yeah, Drew. And, you know, it’s nice that you can actually show up at a Gay club, before you come out, to help you come to terms with what’s being told to you.”

With that, the two exchanged cell phone numbers, screen names, and promised to talk to each other more often.

Drew went home that evening feeling much better, and less weighed down. Now that he’s had this burden lifted from his shoulders, he could face the world normally again. That's what he set out to do.

He came home, and plopped onto his bed. He took his shoes off, and reclined in his bed thinking ‘I’m Gay.’ He remembered who it was that helped him through it all, and picked up his cell phone. He called Randy, knowing that he’d be up. He called to thank him so much for helping him out, dancing with him for that one song, and being able to keep a secret. He also promised that, if he saw Randy in the halls, he’d acknowledge him.

The next day at school, Drew was back to his regular self: he was more composed, he could control himself and not have ‘strange’ daydreams, and hold his own in the building. He was walking with a few of his Football buds as he saw Randy walking in the hall. Secretly, he turned his head toward him, and gave him a wink; Randy nodded his head.

The two boys had phone conversations every night for a week before Drew asked if Randy wanted to hang out sometime. Randy told him that he’d love to, and suggested that they go out to dinner on Friday night. Drew hesitated at first, then agreed.

Friday night, Drew drove to Randy’s house and picked him up. Drew parked on the curbside, and had his windows tinted, so that no one walking by would be able to tell who it was. Drew and Randy then decided to have dinner in the next town over, only because there was less of a chance for someone to spot them. They arrived at the restaurant, and sat down at a table for two. They had dinner and laughed an awful lot. They talked about all of their life experiences, and Drew asked him about how it felt to be an ‘out’ homosexual. The evening was a success for the two: Drew made a new friend, and Randy found that Drew could possibly be his.

After dinner, Randy asked if Drew wanted to come over to his place and hang out. Drew said yes, because he knew that they’d had fun together, so a little more time together wouldn’t hurt.

They got back to Randy’s and they went up to his room. There, they started talking again, continuing all the conversations from dinner. They talked for hours on end, and became very comfortable around each other. Drew asked if it were all right for him to sleep over, because he didn’t want to go home this late. Randy said that he’d be insulted if he didn’t. Randy then asked if Drew wanted to sleep on the floor or on the bed. Drew said that because he was the guest, he’d sleep on the floor. The two debated about the situation for another ten minutes before Drew suggested that they both sleep in Randy’s bed.

“Are you sure you want to do that, Drew? I mean, I know we’re friends and all, but you still don’t know me that well.”

“It’s fine, Randy. I want to sleep with you. It would be much better to sleep next to one of your friends, than to sleep alone. Am I right?”

“Yeah, you’re right. Hop on in. You’ll always be welcome in my bed.” The two laughed as Drew climbed into bed with Randy.

Drew, in the middle of the night, in his sleep, wrapped his arms around Randy, as though he were trying to protect him from all harm.

Simultaneously, in the middle of their sleep, they both awoke, Randy in Drew’s arms. He was surprised by the gesture, but, at the same time, he was grateful. They both said a smiley, surprised ‘Hi’ to each other, quietly. Drew then started kissing Randy very passionately. Neither of the two tried to stop the other. It progressed to the point where they were having sex. In this circumstance, they both got it, and they both gave it. They both felt the passion and the aggression mutually. Randy’s passion was from finding his first boyfriend, and Drew’s aggression was from never figuring out who he really was until then, but he wasn’t aggressive with Randy at all; he kept his aggression to himself.

After they did the deed, the two lay in bed and cuddled as they slept.

As they awoke that Saturday morning, they both had something they wanted to say to one another. To their surprise, it was exactly the same thing.

“Did you want to date exclusively? And if so, did you want to be public about it?”

The two agreed to date exclusively, being each other’s first real boyfriend. Drew was going to have to tell every one he knew, all of his Football boys, his then girlfriend, all the kids at school, and possibly his parents.

Drew marched into football practice and sat down with his boys. He said aloud, “Guys, Coach, I have something to tell you… I discovered last week that I am Gay.” At first, he thought that from the silence that his boys were going to kill him, beat the bloody pulp out of him. They all said to him that they’ve all known him for far too long, and have bonded too well to drop him like an old habit. They promised that they’d be tolerant of him and his boyfriend until their lives end. Drew was relieved, and then introduced them all to Randy.

That same afternoon, the two boys walked down the hallways, hand in hand. Obviously, there were those who stared at them with their mouths agape, but everyone else was just happy to see their first real Gay couple. Drew was finally happy to be the person he had always needed to become, and Randy was finally happy to have a loving boyfriend.

In the end, we eventually get what we want. We may find it in the weirdest or most illogical places, but there it is. I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t stop looking for the answers to your quandaries, because they’re right around the corner. Keep looking for what you want… it’s out there.